Feeding Miss Addy

From before I knew I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed my kids. I had read all of the information. I knew it helped with immunity, it was more easily digested, it was always handy, and most importantly, it was FREE!! While I was pregnant, I made sure to invest in bottles that made it easy to switch back and forth, a really cute nursing wrap, and found out my insurance would pay for a nice pump. I thought I was all ready to go.


Unfortunately, things didn’t exactly go according to my plan. First of all, Addy was born early, and since she had some breathing problems, she was taken to the NICU before I even had a chance to feed her, and she was given formula in bottles before I was even able to see her again. So I started pumping every 2-3 hours starting the night she was born (which was extremely difficult to work in between feedings in the NICU). We were only able to nurse occasionally because the NICU staff was worried that it was tiring her out since she wasn’t getting much, and I was told that if I nursed more than once a day, it would take longer before she could come home. My milk was very slow coming in, and after pumping around the clock for over a week, I wasn’t getting more than half an ounce per time.

Naively, I thought that once we came home and she was able to nurse full time, we could stop the bottles, and I could get my supply up for her. Unfortunately, there were two problems with that plan. 1) Addy was so used to bottles that she had no interest in the slower process of nursing, and 2) my supply would never increase more than it was.

I have tried everything I can think of to increase the amount of milk I can produce. I have pumped around the clock as much as once per hour. I have taken several different kinds of herbal supplements meant to increase production (none of which have helped significantly). I have tried a supplemental nursing system (a device which feeds her formula while she nurses). She screamed like I was killing her the entire time we used it, and we ended up with formula all over her and me.

I finally decided to call on some professionals. I called my doctor to see if they could help, and they basically told me there was nothing they could do. I called a nurse from the WIC office, and she told me that Addy wasn’t really hungry after nursing, and that I should stop giving her formula and only nurse. I tried to explain that I only produced about 4 ounces per day, but she insisted that if Addy were nursing I would get more. Finally, I went to the breastfeeding clinic at the hospital. The lactation consultant there spent about half an hour trying to get Addy to nurse to no avail. She told me that the most likely reason I was having trouble having enough was that I’d had PCOS before I got pregnant. She said that about 1/3 of women who have PCOS will have trouble breastfeeding. She told me that I was doing everything I could and that I would probably never get more than I was getting now, and that I needed to decide what was best for us. She said that as long as nursing was beneficial for both of us, we should continue, but that if we wanted to switch to formula, that was ok too.

In a way, I think that was just what I needed to hear. I needed to know that I was doing everything I could and that it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t feed my child. After that day, I decided to keep pumping as long as I could, and I would give her as much as I could each day. I even read that when a mother has a low supply, the antibodies in the breast milk are more concentrated. So I figured that if I could even give her a little bit, that would benefit her. My plan was to keep trying for 6 months.

So here we are now. Addy is 2 months old. I’m still pumping every three hours, and getting maybe ¼ of an ounce each time (lately it’s been even less). She does nurse at times (if she’s not too hungry and impatient). Whether she nurses or I pump, it typically takes almost an hour to feed her when all is said and done, and with the recent decrease in what I’m getting, I’m starting to question whether it’s even worth it anymore. It is completely exhausting, especially at night when I have to feed her and then pump, and it seems like I get less every day.

I’m just not sure I’m ready to stop. I’m struggling feeling like I’ve failed my child. Parenting is such a big job, and I’ve failed her already on this most basic thing. There is so much pressure to breastfeed coming from every direction. I’ve read articles comparing formula to poison and even saying it should have a warning label on it. I’ve even read that breastfed babies have higher IQs than those that aren’t. So am I limiting my child’s intellectual abilities if I give up on breastfeeding? I know that breastfed babies are sick less often. So am I causing my child to suffer more illnesses if I stop? Am I just being selfish? It’s just such a heartbreaking thing for me, and I’m struggling to know what the right thing to do is. Being a mom sure is a hard job!